nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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