Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
