i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I would fuck him just for his dog
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
