my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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