can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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