there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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