im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
