now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
he was CRYING into my vagina
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
