My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
