so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
