I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
