After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
