Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
