This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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