I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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