I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
