Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
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