can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
