I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
