I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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