If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
