i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
