in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
