Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
