I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I cut my penus on the lid.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I can't put those talents on a resume
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
