she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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