I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
