How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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