I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
where are my pants?
in the oven.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
