you traded sex for a burrito?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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