I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
