remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
