Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
