it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Congratulations! We have a period
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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