I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
