You can't motorboat a personality
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
