My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
