I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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