you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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