bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
