I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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