Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
