Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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