just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
