We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
