is your mom at the bar?
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
