I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
