This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
