Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
