idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
