I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
