you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
