After last night, I could never be a politician.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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